Terrible twos? Or Astoundingly Autonomous?

Did you know that the “terrible twos” is not universal? In some developing countries, it’s viewed as “relatively smooth and harmonious (Mosier & Rogoff, 2003; Box 6-2).” It’s a well-known phrase that’s coming up more and more as I become close to starting a family. But, thinking back to my childhood; I’m not sure if it’s something my parents or family used growing up in an immigrant household. For good reason. In the United States, this stage is a normal sign for drive for autonomy. Toddlers are testing their limits as individuals, that they have control over the world, almost like new magical powers. It’s a trial and error of sorts, seeing how their ideas come into existence, making their own decisions. But this typically comes with the repercussions of a toddler yelling, “no!” Just for the sake of resisting authority. Almost all U.S. kids show some negativism to some degree, usually starting at age 2, peaking around 3.5/4 years old, and declining by about 6. If caregivers view this new found self-will as normal, and healthy for learning independence (not focusing on the stubbornness), it can help with teaching the child self-control and contributes to their sense of competence, avoiding excessive conflict. Easier said than done, but education and understanding of their development will help your child learn about themselves. 

Here are some research based guidelines that can help parents of toddlers discourage negativism and encourage socially acceptable behavior:

Be Flexible. Learn the child's natural rhythm’s and special likes and dislikes

Think of yourself as a safe harbor. With safe limits, from which a child can set out and discover the world, to which your toddler can come back to for support.

Make your home child friendly

With unbreakable objects that are safe to explore.

Avoid physical punishment. It’s often ineffective, and may result in more damage.

Offer a choice 

Even a limited choice can help, allow them some control. For example, “Would you like your bath now or after we read a book?”

Be consistent in enforcing necessary requests

Don't interrupt an activity unless absolutely necessary. Try to wait until the child's attention has shifted. If interruption is necessary, give warning. (“We have to go to the playground soon.”)

Suggest alternative activities when behavior becomes objectionable

For example, when a child is throwing sand in someone's face, say, “Look the swing is open!”

Suggest, don’t command

Accompany requests with smiles or hugs, not criticism, threats or physical restraint.

Link requests with pleasurable activities

(“It’s time to stop playing so that you can go to the store with me.”)

Remind the child of what you expect

For example, “when we go to the playground, we never go outside the gate.” Wait a few moments before repeating a request when a child doesn’t comply immediately.

Use a time-out to end conflicts

In a non-punitive way, remove either yourself or the child from a situation.

Expect less self-control during times of stress

(illness, divorce, the birth of a sibling, or a move to a new home).

Expect it to be harder for toddlers to comply with “do’s” than with “don’ts”

(“Clean up your room.” takes more effort than “Don’t write on furniture.”)

Keep the atmosphere as positive as possible

Make your child want to cooperate.

If you have any questions, book a free consultation with me and I will be happy to review with you!

Sources:

Haswell, Hock, & Wenar, 1981; Kochanska & Askan, 1995; Kopp, 1982; Kuczynski & Kochanska, 1995; Power & Chapieski 1986.

References:

Mosier, C.E., & Rogoff, B. (2003). Privileged treatment of toddlers: Cultural aspects of individual choice and responsibility. Developmental Psychology, 39, 1047-1060.